Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
So many bounce houses so little time
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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