wrigley field is MILF paradise
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
