I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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