my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
worst night to have a conscience
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
