Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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