Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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