well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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