his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
