i think my tv is drunk
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
