we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
