Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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