I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
