He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
