I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
