I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
