What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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