Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
