I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
