remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
