Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
