And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
