I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
