i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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