I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
