God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Randomize
