theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
