i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
