he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
