I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
