That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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