I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize