i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
He passed out mid-signature
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
