Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
