just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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