he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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