Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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