My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Randomize
