Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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