I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
