its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
