I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
