apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
