Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
