I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
