you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
