It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
