My sheets look like a crime scene.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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