Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
