I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
