Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
